“I don’t deserve you.” I think a lot of people have heard this phrase in movies, from others, or maybe coming out of own mouths or thoughts at some point in their life. Maybe it seems romantic if you’re the one who’s being told that someone “could never deserve you.” And maybe, the person who’s saying it is trying to be romantic. But honestly, I feel like there are some issues behind that statement.
1. Why do we as humans feel like we’ve got to do something to be good enough to get love?
And if we ever feel we’re outdone, we want to be better so that we can be “even” again. So that we can feel like we deserve love again.
But you know, if we feel like we have earned love, or that it is due to us, at that point we’ve stopped receiving it as the gift it really is! It’s no longer something we say thank you for. It’s more like a paycheck (and, you know, who says thank you for their paycheck?).
Love is not something we should attempt to, have to, or want to earn, because earning it robs it of its beauty.
2. Who wants to be with someone they deserve???
There are lots of issues with this idea. Firstly, no one wants to be with someone of whom they can say, “yes, I totally deserve them. We are equally good people. We deserve each other.” People want to be in love with someone that they feel like is too good for them. In fact, love should always thinks more of others than itself.
In addition, if you think you deserve your significant other, you may want to check your heart. If you feel like you exactly deserve all the goodness and love they could give you, and you accept it with a complacent smile because you feel you are getting what is due to you, you may have pride hiding out in your heart.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Philippians 2:3-4 NIV
3. You are degrading God’s creation.
When you say you don’t deserve someone, you could be harboring insecurity in your heart. And then every time you say it, you’re reaffirming your lack of worth. You’re basically saying: “you, other person. YOU are valuable. But I am not.” Jesus gave His life to be with you. So, there’s no reason to walk in that insecurity. God loves you, and you have value. Claim it :).
4. There are just better things you can say.
Making the focus point of a compliment self-deprecation is never really a win. A significant other that sees that for what it is will probably say no, you don’t need to say that. Also, it isn’t really a compliment. It also doesn’t tell them what’s good about them. It just says that they’re better than you are. It doesn’t say why you think they’re great. It draws attention back to you instead of just giving compliments to them because you want to. Instead tell them, “Wow, thank you for consistently loving me. Sometimes I make mistakes, and I know those times must be hard for you, but you are still so kind to me. I really appreciate that.”
5. It implies that the other person is perfect.
This ostracizes you from the other person, and says “you’re too good for me.” And then it messes up connection with the person, because you don’t feel you’re on the same level. Also, it may cause them to stumble into pride, which is obviously not your intention at all!!
Moral of the story:
Love is kind of like grace. You get it even though you don’t deserve it. We all make mistakes. None of us should get love, but by God’s grace, we’ve been chosen for love through the cross. He made us worthy of love by paying the ultimate price for us. So, if you feel like you don’t deserve a person, tell them they are a blessing and ask God to continue reminding you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Thank Him for loving you out of His own kindness, when you still didn’t even want him. Since before you were born. Just because He wanted to love you.