On September 15th, 2017, my sweet daddy, Bo, passed away after a long fight against cancer. I believe that before we were born, God set the length of our lives. God is entirely good and sovereign. I believe He allows “bad things” to happen to us in His perfect and loving will for our good and His glory. Nothing we go through catches Him by surprise, and He holds our lives in His hand. So, these things, they sting. But we will be healed. And God is still good. The following is something I wrote as I process my emotions.
When I think of all the could have been’s and should have been’s and hoped for’s, I feel so angry I could punch a wall. And my heart breaks and aches over disappointed hopes that I believed in and thought we would reach. The illness and symptoms that I thought would be cured. The cries in the night that I had hoped would soon turn to laughter and rejoicing. The hopes are what break my heart.
It’s hard to trust God again. Hard to believe He will protect us from harm when He allowed the unbelievable to occur. Hard to rest in Him through the sorrow in the night.
But I believe that this too will pass. That the brokenness will be healed. That the hurt will not hurt quite so much. That I’ll be able to see a sign advertising a new cancer cure and not feel angry. That I’ll be able to talk about September without crying. That all the days that were filled with aching will be almost forgotten. That the things that we once attributed to God as wrong doing, we will understand more than we do now. That we will believe that He was always working for our good. That the days of darkness will again turn to light, and our hearts will not be broken anymore.
There is a verse that says that His mercies are new every morning, and that God does not willingly afflict anyone, and I believe that. But in the moments when this stings so badly I can’t think of anything else, it doesn’t come to mind right away. I believe in healing. And in divine protection. And in a God that is so good, that He would not willingly allow anything bad to happen to His children unless by it He could accomplish the greatest good for all. That through our hurts, He determined the best method for reaching lost souls, for turning hearts back to Him, for giving the better joy that we just don’t understand yet.
Oh, God. I will not hold this hurt against you. God, I will not be offended with you. I will not be angry with the One whose grace should always bring me to my knees. Because You have allowed this hurt, but not willingly. You have allowed this breaking, but You will heal us. Because You have allowed this aching, but You will restore us. You have allowed this grief, but You will bring a greater joy.